(no subject)

I cried properly on Thursday, for the first time in years. My room, which was painted Orange is now white, and I can't have anything hanging on the walls except one mirror, and a lot of my stuff has been thrown out. The whole thing just hit me so hard, 'cause I felt like mum didn't care about all the stuff I kept in my room, just dismissing it all as junk when a lot of it meant something to me...So just before and while I was putting some of my stuff back in my room I cried on and off...I felt alone and isolated. My room was like a reflection of me and that had been taken away as if it was nothing. There was a lot of snot and soggy tissues involved while I put my books on my shelf and my clothes back in my drawers.

I was listening to Maroon 5 for the whole time and certain lyrics just kept triggering stuff in me. I'd be fine for 10 or so minutes and then I'd just start weeping again. I don't know if anyone noticed. My face was quite red after a while. Once my sister came in for a magazine and I could barely talk to her, my voice was all choked and stuff. She might have noticed then but she didn't say anything. I didn't want anyone to notice because I felt so silly, but angry too. I wouldn't have known what to say if they asked me why I was crying.

Later on when I went to sleep I had Maroon 5 on again. Before, I had loads of glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and when I turned over and they weren't there I just starting crying again. I actually sat up and wept, as quietly as I could, for about 10 minutes before I tried to get to sleep. By that point I had a thumping headache and my nose was all blocked up...so I felt awful. I thought I'd never get to sleep. But one good thing did come out of the white room...I've let go of the house, I'm ready to let it go. I guess I don't want to live in a house without a room that feels like mine.

This is what it looked like before....

*pouts*